m a n i l a g i r l

A LIFE WELL-LIVED

Pau Apilado

I’ve asked the question, “What is a life well-lived?” hundreds of times

And though I know I may not even begin to explain it fully,

I’ll just start by speaking truly

A life well-lived is like that of a poker player

In the heat of the final game

She knows she has a good hand,

Is aware her opponent may have better

but she calls, “I’m all in!” since she believes

a risk is as good for her as it is for anyone else ---

Victory is 99% Risk, only 1% Chance and Skill

A life well-lived is also like that of an artist

Whose work, appearance, actions, thoughts – her very Being! –

Are all judged and interpreted, sometimes even feared

But she just thumbs her nose at all her critics

Because for certain this she knows:

Her life is not there for others to please

But instead, to seek Peace

A life well-lived is simply this belief:

I have said my Truth.

I have shown my Vision.

I have heeded the Call.

I have done what was Needed.

And that is all there is for me.

There are two inspirations for my poem above, two recent momentous "events" in my life: One, participating in and learning a lot from the 8th UST National Writers' Workshop and two, a gradual, almost unnoticed shift in attitude (you can call it a paradigm shift if you want). Both have helped me become more at peace with myself which is the message at the heart of the poem itself.

Let me talk about my "paradigm shift" briefly now. It seemed to have come out of the blue, this wanting to write, but really, it's just me coming back to something I really loved but left a long time ago because I wasn't brave enough to live it. I didn't know how to make it a "practical" part of my life. Run away when things become difficult - that's become a learned response of mine over time. Fortunately, Life caught up with me. Since I left my call center job last September 2006 and just LIVED (taking up writing and art classes, attending art exhibits, watching concerts, climbing mountains, traveling off the beaten track, becoming more open with friends who teach me that it's okay to stay and deal with the whatever Life brings be it joy, pain, uncertainty, boredom, etc.), I've become a different person. I've learned to trust my own instincts about people, things and situations more often because that's one of the most important things in Life. I've learned to gravitate towards the things I really love, to face them and revel at them instead of becoming scared, turning back and high-tailing it. I'm slowly learning to just allow things to happen to me, to let things BE. I have a hunch this is a lesson I will continue learning all through my Life.

Then I was invited to participate in the 8th UST National Writers' Workshop just this past week, May 7-12, 2007. That was another major turning point; it was an avalanche of the same lessons I had to learn, only reinforced a hundredfold. I put my written works out there for the Workshop fellows and mentors to read and I couldn't take them back, whatever the reaction it wrenched from them. I heard some utterly ridiculous interpretations of and comments on my works that deep down made me feel like screaming, "Now that's way too far out, dude!" or "Dude, that is SO not my point!" and "Sorry, you missed it, dude, but I'm not going to explain myself to you to satisfy your ego." But I didn't. I kept quiet and THAT caused me grave inner turmoil for about two consecutive days (the first two of the workshop). From this pain, I learned the value of knowing when to speak and when not to. If you disagree with someone, why not say so and present your case? You can work with someone, learn from someone, but you don't necessarily need to like them, become friends with or even agree with them! I learned the value of genuine respect, that is, respecting the Other Person's context or background, his words, thoughts, actions, etc. whether you like him or not or vice versa. This respect for others will come in handy for me in growing and developing not just as a writer, but as a human being first and foremost. It was truly liberating to realize this.

So now I dedicate the poem above to my Dad, Mum, Ate Thea and younger sister Lea who consciously (and unconsciously!) teach me the most difficult lessons in Life to learn, my fabulous gal pals (they might not agree, but strong, wise, beautiful, loving, hopeful are what they all are and in short, that's what I call "fab"!) Aki, Alvie, She, Anne and Donna and new writer friends Lynette and Amie. Yes, there are so many others involved in this change in me (even my writing mentor at the Ateneo de Manila Karla Delgado had a hand) but I know there will be other opportunities to thank them all personally in the future. For now, I close with this wise quote from the great contemporary actor Johnny Depp when he was interviewed for "Inside the Actor's Studio": "Continue moving forward and don't give a s*@t! about what other people say. You do what you need to do for YOU."